Children jealousy

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It`s quite difficult to share your mother with someone else. And when you also require love for a “rival” from a baby, sharing his toys, receiving a half of apple, instead of whole, then this becomes just a back-breaking task for many (and may be all) babies


If you`re not an only child in a family, then you probably know this
feeling, regardless of whether you are senior or junior.
 
It`s quite difficult to share your mother with someone else. And when
you also require love for a “rival” from a baby, sharing his toys, receiving a
half of apple, instead of whole, then this becomes just a back-breaking task
for many (and may be all) babies. It`s only correct adults` behavior that can
save
the situation.
 
I was the eldest one of 3 children and still remember a feeling of deprivation,
when my sister was born. And, by the way, I got rid of this feeling only when
I
reached juvenile age. What`s most interesting is that  I didn`t sense such feeling towards the
youngest brother, I felt like I was his mother. May be, a third baby solves the
problem of children jealousy?
 
So, when we were expecting our second baby, I started searching models
of parental behavior, which could help an elder child adapting to a new
situation. After giving birth to a junior one, we had to adjust the whole
theoretical baggage to our concrete situation. Some time later I understood,
that our efforts brought results, situation started changing to the better.
 
Before speaking about some methods, it`s worth admitting, that children
jealousy can be expressed in quite different ways. Most popular and noticeable
displays of it are - agression towards a junior and (or) parents; whims; …
diseases. All this happens because we convince children that they must love a
junior one and they have to hide their feelings from us. Besides, very often
they just cannot express their feelings through words. They are left alone with
their feelings, parents are busy with a junior one, and in order to attract our
attention they start…
 
Very often jealousy is expressed in a children sickness. Cough is a
popular display of jealousy. It can develop even into asthma. As soon as a baby
starts feeling unhappy, a fit of cough begins. 
In our case it was conjunctivitis. As we know, all our diseases, first
of all, reflect our inner moral condition. Certain thoughts can cause certain
diseases. Thus, those, who suffer from conjunctivitis, suffer also from anger
and confusion. When we knew it, we understood that this was our case. A child
is terribly confused, he doesn`t know how to live further, EVERYTHING has
changed in his life. No medicines could help. Only time and our constant work
to
change the situation helped.
 
Now let`s speak about different methods, which help a child adapting to
a new life:
 
1. You should speak about another baby to arrive in your family as much
earlier, but don`t make a strong accent on this fact. It`s very useful to tell
a baby about his brother growing in a mom`s belly and DEFINITELY the way the
first one was growing in it. Show pictures of a mother, when she was pregnant
with him. All stories should be parallel - if you allow a baby touching a mom`s
belly and listening to his brother`s motions, tell him also about the way he
moved himself. Phrases, like “I will give birth to your brother and you will
play with him” are a very popular mistake. A baby accepts everything literally.
And he`s very surprised when he sees that a junior brother is busy with
everything, except playing with him. All stories about future should be true to
the maximum. You should say that a baby will be born small, that he will cry
and sleep a lot. That you will have to teach him sitting, walking, speaking.
And only then he will be able to play with you.
 
2. If some things are passed to a junjor one from elder, you should talk
about it beforehand too. Our mistake was that once we wrapped a junior one in
an elder child`s blanket and brought him for a walk. A child`s natural reaction
was: “This is my blanket!!!”, and later tears. This was a lesson. We talked
about all other things beforehand, bought a substitute for an elder one (of
course, we chose it together) or just explained that he didn`t need this
anymore, and his brother does. But we used his things ONLY after he allowed us.
 
3. Problem with relatives. You also should talk about everything before
birth. You need to arrange your life the way that an elder one (at least during
first time) would be always busy with some of adults. Father is an ideal
variant. The perfect variant is that a mother could pay attention to an elder
child every day. For example, walking with him (only with him) for an hour or
reading, playing etc. But an elder child should know that his mother is at his
complete
disposal every day, for at least an hour. A grandmother`s special problem is
that they coo too much with a junior one.
 
4. Problem of gifts. Of course, after childbirth relatives, guests and
friends come. They congratulate with the event and present gifts to … a
junior baby. It`s quite clear, that an elder one is not delighted with this
fact. We bought lots of books, small cars yet before childbirth. If a “forgetful”
guest came to our place and brought a gift only for a junior one, we presented
a gift from his name to an elder one too. Everybody was happy.
 
5. Problem of toys. When a junior baby grew a little, he became
interested in an elder one`s toys. Our fist reaction was: “Share your toys with
your brother”. A baby`s reaction: “I don`t want, this is my car”. We thought a
little and agreed. And decided this problem this way: we bought a couple of
cars for a junior one and now exchange them with an elder one.
 
6. The most serious question was our reaction to an elder child`s
agression towards junior. There was a period of his agression towards parents,
but it passed quickly. We didn`t use force, just took his hand aside and said
“it
hurts me and you shouldn`t do it”. Besides, we made his feelings public,
discussed that he didn`t like a junior and took offence at us. Such
conversations helped him to realize his feelings a lot and learn controlling
them in some way. And we are still fighting with his agression towards junior
baby, although there`re great positive results already. After lots of cut and
try, our behavior became like this - we just don`t react to a safe agression
(you know, agression - is a way to attract attention. So, when something bad
begins, this is a signal for us - we need to pay attention to an elder one, but
without making an accent on his bad behavior). When we see his agression is
dangerous, we react quickly saying “you cannot do such things” and take a child
away.
 
7. You always need to try to explain everything to a child, especially
if his rights are infringed because of a junior one. You need to accentuate
that you love him, but it`s just this situation… Children will understand you
and help, you just shouldn`t be lazy to explain.
 
8. Try to form an image of  a
“strong and kind elder brother”. Always accentuate his positive influence upon
a junior one. Teach him sitting and walking together. And always say a junior
baby loves an elder brother very much.
 
9. And the main thing. You shouldn`t be shy to say an elder one that you
really love him. If junior babies require our attention, then elder children
can keep silence, but they will really need your attention too.



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