Beating children?

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We often can remember our parents beating us in childhood. But quite often we also don`t remember reasons for these punishments. This means they didn`t reach their goal. But they destroyed love, trust, closeness


We
often can remember our parents beating us in childhood. But quite often
we also don`t remember reasons for these punishments. This means they
didn`t reach their goal. But they destroyed love, trust, closeness.
 
Of course, both in childhood and adult life, and during pregnancy,
we swear ourselves never repeat parental mistakes, never beat and
humble our own baby. But you know, upbringing is impossible without
punishment. How to punish the right way? Is a slap considered beating?
And what shall you do, when your child twists you round his little
finger, literally drives you crazy?
 
When a baby is from 0 to 1,5 years old
 
You cannot beat babies. It`s a common truth. Everybody understands it. But…
 
Admit, you slapped this yelling creature for a couple of times? Or
shook it so strongly, that his bonnet fell down? Or shook a baby
carriage so violently, that it struck against the wall? Of course, it
happened after several sleepless months, when you were at the breaking
point already, when nobody was with you to support you. And then you
were crying because of shame and weakness, not knowing what to do, and
covered a sleeping angel with kisses…
 
How to avoid this?
 
Here are some useful advices:
 
-    if you feel you`re on the verge of break-down,
leave a baby. Put him into a crib, seat in a play-pen, make sure he`s
in secutiry and go to other room for several minutes. He can even cry.
You can cry too. Shout something loudly. Drink some water. Wash your
face and only then come back to a room.
 
-    When you feel you`re furious, and you`re
itching to beat a baby, beat a pillow, thrash a swaddling table with a
diaper, kick a ball - just do it farer from a baby, not to frighten
him. You can break some rattles.
 
-    Don`t plan anything, don`t make up your mind
to have a certain quantity of spare time, don`t expect your offspring
will fall asleep right in 20 minutes and will sleep for a couple of
hours, and that then you will be able to eat and have some rest. Quite
the contrary, you should expect that he won`t fall asleep in the
afternoon at all, will be crying all night long, and then any break
will seem a cherry-pie for you.
 
-    Write down your emotions. Pour them out in a a
copy-book, not on your close people. Paper will bear everything: swear,
draw caricatures, complain. And in several years you will find this
copy-book and be touched.
 
-    Try to get used to a thought that you just
don`t exist now. There`re no your interests, needs, nothing. There`s
only a baby. And his wishes and needs are most important now. Then his
cry won`t be treated like an annoying disturber.
 
-    In the most difficult moment, when you feel
you lost all your strength and tolerance, take your baby, clasp to your
bosom, sit down with him right on the floor, close your eyes and
imagine you`re on a sea shore, in the forest now - in a place, where
you feel good and quiet.
 
When a baby is from 1,5 to 3 years old
 
Unfortunately, regardless of all our good intentions, most kids in
this age already face physical punishments or their threat. Some
parents just promise to slap, some give a bonk on head for each fault
or disobedience, some threat to take a belt, some prefer formal
punishment, for example, slapping with a newspaper. What is admissible?
You cannot punish children (neither in this age, nor in older one)
systematically, regularly. This will lead only to the fact that soon a
child will start treating slaps and shouts as an annoying, but
inevitable part of his life and stop reacting to them. At all. You
cannot beat strongly. You cannot slap on face, lips, give clips.
There`s another version also, saying that you cannot beat with a hand.
 
Now about things you can slap your kid for in this age. Only for
security compromise and obvious outrage. If a child, whom you explained
rules of his behavior on road for several times, starts running in the
middle of a road suddenly, you can (and may be should) paddle him. But
not because your heart sank, but because you want him to remember that
he cannot act this way. You can act the same way, if a child bites,
spits, abuses or beats adults, offends younger ones deliberately. Of
course, if he is not ill and doesn`t have has psychological problems.
In rest of cases it`s better to go without violence.
 
However, we are live people and have limits of patience, and
children (even the smallest ones) can behave absolutely unbearably…
And of course, it`s easier to spank, than get them in line for a long.
And so, this becomes a habit… When words don`t help you anymore and
you really want to spank a little monster, try to use other physical
influence. Take his hand, hug his shoulders, wait until he focuses on
you finally, and, looking into his eyes, say your request or
requirement emphatically. If a baby is really excited and cannot stop
already, you can help him not with a slap, but with a hug, massage,
joint rhythmic movement - dance, gymnastics, game, starting from quick
tempo and slowing down little by little.
 
When a child is from 3 to 6 years old
 
In this age all general principles are laid. As for punishments,
the situation is double here. On the one hand, an offspring grows and
starts understanding words more often, not actions. On the other hand -
sometimes you are just  trembling all over at the thought that
he`s so grown up already, so clever, understands everything, but
doesn`t act the right way. 

How to understand whether you`re right? If you punished your own
daughter or son just because spanking is easier, than explaining,
because you`re tired or feel bad, you`re not right. If you hit him in a
fit of anger, releasing accumulated negative energy, you`re also not
right. If you feel bad after you hit a child, you did it 100% in vain.
If you noticed you hit a child regularly, know, this is absolutely
useless, and even dangerous.

Because there`re 4 rules for any punishments:
 
-    punishment should be done when a parent is absolutely calm and knows what he
does;
 
-    punishment should be adequate to a fault;
 
-    punishment should be accompanied by explanations - for what;
 
-    punishment should not become regular.
 
How to observe these rules? Catch your breath, count to 10, vent
irritation upon inanimate objects, not upon family members, not to
refuse from help - neither physical (nurse, granny, friend, housemaid),
nor psychological (magazines, books, forums, friends, experts). And of
course, when you punish your child in a fit of anger, don`t forget to
ask his pardon.
 
A good mom`s instruction
 
You need to love him, when he`s red, pursy and wet. When he bends
and pushes you away with his hands. When he refuses from breast, spits
out a dummy and turns away from a bottle. When he is crying. When he
doesn`t calm down even in your hands. When he whines, groans and
whimpers. When he doesn`t sleep for 15 hours on end. When you need to
carry him constantly and walk, walk, walk…
 
When an ugly bra is always wet because of milk, and breast is
sagged… You need to love him when he has diathesis, heat rash,
gripes, crust on head and plaster on navel. When his diaper slid down
and everything is smeared on his bum, crib, mom. You need to love him
the way he is, not only when he smiles, and his cheeks and smooth, and
has a dad`s nose and mom`s eyes. To love him because he lives, because
he cannot live without us… Just love. To rush to his help, carry,
stroke his belly, kiss his heels. To love him strongly. For all his
life. So that he would know. So that he would not doubt.
 
When a child is from 6 years from… 

As they say, small children - small troubles. And the older your
offspring becomes, the more serious his faults can be. And the more
painfully he treats punishments, especially physical ones. What to do?
May be listen to children themselves? Recently a group of psychologists
decided to ask children about their thoughts on punishments: is it
possible to punish children? And if so, for what? They questioned about
200 children.

It turned out that almost all children preschool age agree with
the fact that children can and should be punished. But their fix
conditions, under which this punishment should be made. For example,
children can be punished, when they are naughty, do something bad, fool
around, disobey. The most adequate and efficient punishment, according
to children, is putting a child into the corner.
 
Children bear parental shout and swearing badly. As for corporal
punishments, light slaps are accepted calmly by children, they agree,
that parents can punish them this way for bad behavior. They treat
painful corporal punishment in different ways. Some think it`s
necessary, and they will act this way with their own children in
future. A deep resentment can be seen in other children`s answers. Some
of them do bad things to irritate their parents deliberately in such
condition. And others understand that such punishments shows parental
inability to cope with the situation, their confusion and weakness.
Children feel sorry and sympathize them for this. However, there`re
situations, when it`s impossible to go without physical influence. Just
because there`re various preventive punishments for adults too - from
small fines to long imprisonments. Because everyone should know that
there`s force, which punishes barefaced lawlessness. That`s why bad act
should be punished. 

We would like to finish on some more optimistic note. But the
subject is so serious. So, here`s a slightly cynical, but
“deinebriating” anecdote: “Parents, don`t beat your children - they are
to choose a retirement home for you”.  

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