It`s been my experience that when it comes to politics and parenting, polarization of viewpoints has become acceptable
It`s been my experience that when it comes to politics and parenting,
polarization of viewpoints has become acceptable. It is my belief
that sitting on the extremity of any argument is probably not
healthy. What ever happened to moderation?
Parenting is an art, not a science, and it takes a great deal of
creativity and common sense to make the process of rearing our children
a healthy one. Although we have literature, pediatricians, family
support, and childcare experts to guide us, we are ultimately alone in
the decisions we make. I believe that finding the right balance
is the key to parenting. I often find that parents may either
under-function or over-function when it comes to proper
parenting. Recently, I have become more concerned about groups
that espouse theories of parenting that promote over-functioning
through bonding without consideration for factors that may lead to
conditions such as separation anxiety.
The goal of parenting involves a two-prong process - to create a sense
of attachment while simultaneously beginning to teach the skills
necessary to promote individuation (creating a sense of self). A
parent must move between nurturing and showing affection to their baby
and using appropriate detachment skills when necessary. For
example, when your toddler falls, what do you do? I believe that
we should take our cues from the child. How bad of a spill was
it? If it was a minor one, anxiously rushing in to fix the
situation is counterproductive - it actually promotes a dependent
reaction. It is amazing how many parents are unable to
distinguish between a toddler who has been hurt by a fall and a child
who is creating a sense of drama!
I recently have become more aware of groups that promote what I call
“extreme bonding.” It appears that some of the current “bonding”
groups tend to attract mothers who are overly-anxious about
parenting. Parents may unknowingly create conditions that promote
dependency, manipulation, separation anxiety, and neediness as a result
of the practices encouraged by these groups. The missing piece is
that these groups fail to help parents learn how to teach their
children independence, which I believe is developmentally critical at
an early age. Guidelines to follow if you are concerned about
appropriate parenting for your child are:
environment. If you need to assist your baby with sleep, do it in
her space. Stay near your baby for a period of time until she
feels soothed, and then leave. A certain amount of crying is
always associated with children and sleep. As you are aware, a
child may be eight years old and do this!
adults and playmates. Have a trusted babysitter available, select
an appropriate daycare facility, and get your baby out to enjoy
activities in the community. It doesn`t matter whether you use a
baby-carrier or a stroller.
to being out of your presence. This helps your baby develop
confidence in being with others and gives you a needed rest from the
stressors of childcare. After all, what good are you to your
child if you have no life of your own a part from him and are stressed
all the time?
Having a baby can be stressful to a relationship and a partner may
resent a parent who is overly-involved in bonding with the baby. Make
sure your partner is included in learning to attach to your child and
make time to be together without the baby. It is essential to the
well-being of your relationship to make quality time for each other.
whether he is really in need of attention or is merely manipulating
circumstances. Over time, if given the opportunity, children
learn to manipulate their environment by creating drama.
Obviously, this is not the case with newborns.
- Remember, that parenting is a two-prong
process. Provide plenty of nurturing and bonding while teaching
your child how to experience life without you.
Learning to bond with your baby and simultaneously setting the
foundation for moving your child toward developing a separate sense of
self are not mutually exclusive. Parents can learn bonding and
appropriate detachment skills which will make the parenting process a
successful experience.
James P. Krehbiel is an author, freelance writer, and
cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona.
He recently released Stepping Out of the Bubble which is available at
http://www.booklocker.com/books/2242.html. James can be reached
at www.krehbielcounseling.com.
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